I can't take credit for this, but this is some funny stuff. And true. Enjoy.
* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner