Get ready - whiny post ahead. I have been feeling in a real funk lately and am having a hard time chasing down the reasons. I really don't like myself when I feel like this so this is hopefully a cathartic post to get me moving again. There are lots of things to talk about here, and the topics are in no particular order. Sort of a stream of consciousness thing. Ready?
After having a great spring on the bike, I did what I seem to do every year and hit a mid-summer slump. I started struggling on group rides and my general performance and "want to" went down through the floor. So, I took advantage of a forced week off the bike (out of town) and ran. Running, never my strong suit, actually felt really good. Being able to run in the shadow of a national monument helped and I had a good week. This week will be another short week of riding followed by a few more days of running. Really hoping that after all this I can get back to form again.
Speaking of being out of town, I just returned from a trip to a training class. I like going to training, but it seems that anymore there isn't much joy in it. I go to class, go back to the hotel, and generally lament the fact that I am not at home. I miss my wife, my dog, and my kids. That is good right? Maybe its the fact that most of the "experts" I am listening to don't have anymore knowledge or experience than I do. Seriously - aside from a huge natural disaster or structural collapse - there isn't much in the way of dead bodies I haven't seen. Listening to federal agents tell me how smart they are and how I "really need their help" just irritates me. Screw them.
Now family. No matter how good things are with most of them, there is a still a missing piece. I have a daughter that seems bent on self-destruction and breaking her father and step-mother's hearts. The problem is that I miss her terribly. I think of her all the time, have dreams about her, and feel miserable about not having seen her for months. It hurts down to my soul.
The rest of them - Katie, Dan, Kayla, Kristin, and Jake - are great. I couldn't ask for a better set of kids.
Work? What about it? Nothing too exciting but always pressing. A nagging murder I can't seem to get resolved, a few other cases that are pending. Internal issues seem to be under control right now. Nothing really good, nothing really bad. Meh.
Officiating? Some serious doubts about my ability/desire came up after the last race I worked. There were issues: a few things I could have done better, a few things those I worked with could have done better, and lots of registration and communication issues. When the registration and administration was working (out of my control) I made it all work flawlessly. When the back-end failed I made it work, it just wasn't pretty. My main thing is that I didn't melt down under pressure but, again, I missed being home. I think it will be fine, heck, I am still very new at this. I DO need to back up a little, unload a little responsibility, and narrow my focus. I have met some great people, made some great friends, and done some really good things with cycling. I want it to be fun again. Hopefully it will be.
Going to California this weekend. Five glorious days away from Norfolk, in the state I want to be in. Great right? Not so fast - shouldn't I be visiting my family in Florida? Yes. Why am I not? Because, as the first line of each chapter of my life reads: I have no money. Going to Cali is a freebie - we have some great friends who gave up some airline miles so we could come see them. Actually, the miles are on an airline they *won't* fly so it works out well for all of us. And, with my brother's pending nuptials in Florida next year, we will be going then. And, if Kristin gets to go to Nationals for her school dance troop, it would be another Florida trip. Its all timing, planning, and understanding. So for now its sand and desert and ocean here I come!
Back to the work trip for a minute. One more reason it was a real bummer: I was traveling with a hodgepodge of co-workers, guys I work with all the time. I would die for them, literally. But, sometimes they're not the easiest group of fellows to live with. Neither am I. So, after five days of class and traveling, with alternating periods of love/hate/laughter/bitching, I am drained. And I put on some weight. Dammit!
Last, but not least by any means: my wife. God, I love that woman. But, like she says to me, some days she really pisses me off. I wish... wow. I wish she didn't have to work at all much less two jobs. I wish she had everything she wanted. I wish her mother and siblings weren't so needy and rude and hard on her. I wish I was a better husband. I wish we had more time.
I miss the closeness we have had at various times in our marriage - we are always close, sometimes just more so. But, invariably work and life get between us and we struggle which sets off a perpetual motion machine of struggle and failure until we find some way of stopping it. We are in the middle of one such session now, which is very hard. My funk isn't helping, and its contributing to my funk. See - perpetual motion.
However, this is a tar strip in the highway of life. Not even a bump. We have endured things that should have, and almost did, tear us apart and we still sleep in the same bed every night. Wow. She is my rock, and my pillow. I can only hope I am always those things to her as well.
Maybe its time to stop looking down, and look at the horizon. Maybe even up.
Thanks for listening. Sorry to whine but I feel much better.
Onward and upward.